How much future tripping can I handle until I scare myself out of bed?
Anxiety loves this game
Why am I awake before the sun is up? Oh no… you’ve gotta be kidding me. Anxiety? Today?! Is it before 6:00am? My alarm isn’t until 8:30, I have at least two, maybe three more hours of guaranteed sleep. My mind is flooded with a snippet of a song I haven’t listened to in months. On repeat. Oh here we go, is this worry about important mail I should have received but haven’t received yet? Yeah, I think so. That’s good, this is helpful information at 5:37 in the morning. Thank you, brain. I refuse to acknowledge what this actually is… I am not willing to give this creature any power today. We had an agreement, I am doing the best I can do.
I’m going to focus on my breathing. It’s lazy meditation time. I’m relaxing my body, I had tension in my legs and neck. How is that possible? I just woke up. Okay, I’m not feeding into that worry. I’m relaxing my body, I’m relaxing my legs, I’m relaxing my neck. I am breathing in…
“Om” on the inhale.
“Peace” on the exhale.
“Om” on the inhale.
“Peace” on the exhale.
HEY REMEMBER IT’S BEEN ALMOST THREE WEEKS SINCE YOU SAT DOWN IN FRONT OF YOUR DRAWING PAD AND CREATED ANY ART? LIKE EVEN A LITTLE BIT?
“Om” on the inhale.
“Peace” on the – you know what? I don’t need your two cents about how I’m using my time, okay?
Damnit. I’m fighting with the anxiety cosmonaut already and the sun isn’t even up yet.
8:30 AM – My alarm goes off. By the grace of God, I was able to fall back asleep. I guess that rules out mania. I’m wide awake again though and my thoughts are… anxious. This is anxiety, I admit. Son of a bitch. I’m going to the gym.
11:15 AM – The gym was a good call. I hated every minute of it, but I feel better. I’m in the backyard trying to write, though the anxiety machine is making this exercise quite difficult. I end up trying to verbalize and annotate the feelings, worries, and fear that’s playing on Anxiety FM so I can address them with my therapist next session.
2:48 PM – Chores are getting done, but work has taken a comfortable spot on the back burner. I have called three friends for support. One of them picked up and we had a nice conversation. A little bit of socializing and relating to someone does seem to help in these situations. Now I’m back to being alone in my house though… This is a dangerous place to be at the moment.
“You could drink some beers, that would calm you down and I would go away…”
No. I am not doing that today.
5:35 PM – In an attempt to outrun my anxiety further, I’ve decided to take my dog on a four mile walk. Turning this excess energy into exercise is one of the better coping strategies I’ve found. I can plug in my headphones, listen to something interesting, and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Simple.
7:01 PM – As sunset approaches, anxiety has come along to join in on the “fun” of my mood sinking as darkness overtakes the sky.
Anxiety, the fuzzy hot pink agitator of all that is sacred, is here to apply pressure to the situations it has spent all day highlighting as needing resolution. What a helpful little pain in the ass, huh? It’s getting cold outside and there’s nowhere left to run.
I’m alone in my house again with a few dim lights turned on. The trumpets of the battle royale begin to sound… I am cornered.
“Why don’t you make more money? You should figure that out… What if you never have enough money to get a nice place and support a family? That would be terrible… Wouldn’t it? WOULDN’T IT?”
This anxiety is insufferable, can I trade it for depression?
“Are you sure this plan of yours is better than just getting a part-time job and living with your mom? What if the stress causes another psychotic episode?”
“Hey! It’s your dad’s voice here: ‘You’ve got an inch of fat all around your body, you should hit the gym more’ – remember when he said that?!”
9:50 PM – No amount of journaling could have saved me from that gutting. It’s time to put this monster to bed. Or, at least attempt to. I turn the shower to near skin-burning hot and jump in. I imagine the water rinsing away the anxious energy that has been tormenting me all day. With the little focus I have left, I carefully wash my body, then close my eyes and put my head under the shower for a minute. I get out and dry off, noticing I need to shave. I don’t have the energy anymore. Aha! I don’t have the energy anymore! Thank goodness.
10:10 PM – I’m clean and back in bed. My dog comes over to cuddle with me. What a day. I turn off my bedside lamp and roll the mood dice in my head, wondering what I’ll wake up with tomorrow. Snake eyes.